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My Name Is Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, by Clancy Sigal

The latest USC Dornsife/LATimes tracking  poll says Hillary is losing ground

                                           MY NAME IS ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI
I am the acknowledged leader of the ISIS ‘caliphate’ that still controls part of Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan.  
For my own reasons I have a keen interest in your American politics.
Like my enemy the Pentagon I play the “long game” on the world’s chess board.   Losing territory here, 
I inspire massacres there.  Soft targets like two or three hundred civilians blown up in a Bagdad market 
interest me less than televised atrocities in the west, like Orlando, San Bernadino and now Nice, France.  
With my luck and your stupidity, you will go along with Donald Trump and ask Congress to declare a “state of war” 
against my people.  Whoopee, as the infidels say.
The west is like a puppet on my string reacting with panic and outrage every time one of my people 
murders lots of your people.  Hence, with an upcoming presidential American election on my mind, 
I try to weigh my options.  Which candidate will most help reinvigorate the Caliphate?  
I’m an invisible player in the battle for votes between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. 
From my point of view it’s a coin toss. but I must think clearly what best serves Sunni-Wahabi interests.
To me, Mr Trump is an unknown except he’s a known hater of Muslims it doesn’t matter Sunni or Shiite 
he probably doesn’t even know the idifference.  Since he has no military or foreign policy experience, 
I don’t know if he’s talking through his ass, as we say in the Caliphate.   I like the guy, he’s a visionary 
prophet like me, charismatic up to his funny hair.  So what if he calls us Muslims “animals” 
and wants to shut down American mosques, Go For It, Donald!
I scan the polls and Hillary is in trouble.  I’m not sure I want her to lose because the lady loves the “military option” 
which is a pure a 100 percent good for me.   Attacking me with drones or missiles or “boots on the ground” 
is a win-win for us jihadis.
Mrs Clinton is music to my ears because she’s a “liberal interventionist” surrounded by ferocious lady war-hawk advisors, 
who believe as I do that America is “exceptional”, only we disagree exceptional about what. 
As a senator she pushed for Bush’s war in Iraq and has said she’s ready to fight “for humanitarian ideals and American values” 
because “America can lead once again”.  Go for it, Hil! 
In his cabinet Obama stubbornly argues “Don’t do stupid shit” but  Mrs Clinton has a history of doing stupid shit.  
She made a mess in Libya and kept urging the Pentagon to send even more troops to Afghanistan.  
(They never learn, thank Allah.)  If she had her way, she might go to war against Iran which is OK with me they’re infidel Shiites.
It’s a real tossup who I should support. 
On the positive side Mr Trump has all the nutcases – and they call us jihadis crazy!   He agrees with my secret asset 
Fox’s Bill O’Reilly  that “It’s a world war now. We’re in a world war scenario.”   Burn, baby, burn. 
On the other hand Mrs Clinton’s presumed secretary of defense, Michelle Flournoy, is also a “liberal hawk” who wants to 
downgrade fighting me to get after Syria’s Assad instead, what a confusion! 
The only thing that worries me is that the super-infidel Bernie Sanders, now on Clinton’s team, and Elizabeth Warren  
might introduce a note of sanity in a Clinton regime, except that neither really cares about foreign stuff.  So, on careful 
consideration, for purely selfish reasons, I’ll put my bet down on Trump because there’s an excellent chance he’ll do stupider shit.

My note to Clancy,

Great one, Clancy, but I think he’d opt for Killary – Bozo the Clown is a rich, ignorant street hustler but she’s a certifiable psychopath..